Dear Husband,
I'm sitting next to your favorite leather chair
admiring the decorated Christmas tree. I can't imagine that this will be
the second Christmas without you. The house looks tidy and I think
about how it would make you happy. I think about all the work you put
into making this house a home. I can still hear the nail gun from the
hardwood floor you put in upstairs and the deck you built. Then I begin
reflecting on the things you have missed this past year and what I would
want you to know about.
I like to think that God allows you little glimpses into our lives. If so, here are some things I would want you to know...
Lily
made the robotics club at her school. There were limited spots, but she
made the cut and is loving it! She is following in your steps and I can
see her as a future engineer or architect. I'm happy to see her drawing
again. I feel like she took a small break this year. And I can give her
any set of instructions, and she can easily figure it out. In fact,
sometimes I just hand the instructions straight to her and let her at
it! She is also in student council. I know you told her to dream big and
that she could go to any college she wanted to. But I can't stand the
thought of her being far away. She is almost 10, so that will come
sooner than I realize.
You should see that girl on roller skates.
It's her new favorite thing (and I kind of like it myself!) She is
super into Star Wars, even considering she hasn't seen any of the movies
yet, so we will probably have a movie marathon sometime this winter. I
can see her really getting into Harry Potter too just like you. I guess I
will have to become a fan for her sake.
I have redecorated and
painted Lily's room again. It was time for her to have matching
furniture and she needed more shelves to display all of her artwork. You
would not be surprised that I nearly filled a dumpster worth of trash
from her room! Our little hoarder likes to hold on to anything
meaningful or anything that can be turned into art, which can drive me
crazy sometimes.
She misses you dearly! She has such a
compassionate heart and often worries about me. I do everything I can to
not put any of that burden on her. But she can tell by the look in my
eyes if I am down and often comforts me. She puts up with way too much
from her brother, and we sure could use help putting him in his place at
times!
Luke is still, well...."constant" as we would call him
like the Energizer Bunny! You wouldn't believe the amount he has learned
at school the past year! I absolutely love watching him complete his
homework. We are about halfway through the year now, and he can do some
of this work on his own. He grumbles when I ask him to do a chore, but
when he gets down to it, he is very thorough like you. He loves to
arrange things and decorate. Of course he had to arrange all six of our
nativity sets this year. I may catch him on occasion arranging the
furniture in Lily's dollhouse!
We are giving Cub Scouts a try. He
built and launched a rocket (with Papaw's help). I'm really excited
that he is excelling in basketball. He went in the first round of the
draft (which we can laugh about because it's totally ridiculous that
first graders are drafted). Nevertheless, I'm proud.
Luke is
still a Master Builder with Legos. He also really enjoys playing with
your old toys, especially your Transformers. It's fun now with the kids
old enough to enjoy games. You wouldn't believe his Yatzee score of 415
the other night! That's like double your best score. In your face!
Believe it or not, we found an old scorecard of yours, and of course in
the name slot you wrote "Number One". I have a feeling Luke will do that
now, in the same cocky manner you did!
When I tuck him in at
night, you would laugh that he still asks me to turn the pillow over to
the cold side. He likes to arrange the stuffed animals just right. He
likes to tell stories about you at night.
I am doing OK. Just
when I feel like I am healing a little bit something triggers the grief,
which comes in waves. And I hear the second year is harder. But you
would be proud that I don't operate like a "woe is me" widow (I hope). I
push forward. It is really not easy taking over all of your
responsibilities, but I am slowly learning it all. I definitely let a
lot of things slide so that I can put my focus on the kids. I may have
been delinquent with a couple of bills, missed putting out the trash or
recycling, or have yet to replace a couple filters, but I am 100% there
for the kids, and that is what is important.
There are some other big things you've missed this year!
We
got a puppy! Your nephew suggested the name Peanut, which was fitting
for so many reasons, mainly because it was a nickname you called myself
and Lily. Getting a puppy probably wasn't the smartest decision, but I
did it for the kids. He's really good and is growing on me.
Dude...Donald Trump is president elect! If only I could see your reaction to that news!
You
also had a good buddy and the last bachelor of the bunch find a
girlfriend and get married in the same year! It was my first wedding
without you. It was hard without you, but it was at that moment I felt
your presence more than I had in a while. I could close my eyes and
picture you sitting in the pew next to me, and it was the healthy
version of you. I could picture what you were wearing. At the reception
when some of your favorite songs were played, I could picture you
smiling and grooving. So it hurt, but it was a good kind of hurt.
There
are a lot of hard things I have to do now. But I think God equipped me
long ago to take on these hard things. And he sure did put the most
amazing support system of friends and family to help us!
Thankfulness
helps me get through the tough times. Right now, I just want to focus
on thanking you. I am thankful you loved us so much and showed it to us
every day. I am thankful you had the foresight to plan ahead and leave
me with a road map to help make things just a little easier. I am
thankful for the strength and courage you demonstrated. I am thankful
for the meaningful relationships you had with others. I am thankful for
the ways you have inspired others. I am thankful for your love for God
and for the peace that was apparent in your final days.
I miss
you. I miss you sitting across from me at the dinner table. I miss
saying your name. Some times I call it out just because. I miss your
voice, especially your phone voice. It brings me back to early years
when I was at IU and you PU. Things are never going to be the same
again. But I find comfort in what the kids and I have said at the end of
our prayers for one year now, "Please help us remember that daddy is
always in our hearts and we will be reunited with him in Heaven one
day."
Love,
Your Wife
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