Reflections

I've spent some intentional time reflecting on the events of the past two weeks. Last week there were a lot of distractions. Almost too many. Everyone was worried about me being alone, about it just being the three of us home. But part of me felt like I needed to be alone so I could take time to mourn Christian. It may sound strange, but I felt like being distracted by something would be cheating. He deserved me spending moments desperately missing him.

So, I did.

We were together half my life, and now he's gone. My person is not here. He is not here.
He is not on business trip. He's not coming back. I will know longer hear the tires of his Jeep squeal down the road and the garage door open to know that he is home. I won't ever receive flowers from him again. We will never play a ping-pong match of the brand-new table we bought over a year ago.

There is a void that nothing and nobody can fill. Last week, perhaps it was filled partially with planning, reading and sending messages, and just being loved on by everyone. This week has been filled with wonder, "what if's", and a few regrets. I regret all the times he wanted to give me a hug in the kitchen, and I was too busy or on my way out. I wish I could take that back. I wish I could take a lot of things back.

But you know what? We were really great at hugging his last few days. Funny, but standing up was a position he was really comfortable in. So I'd have him stand regularly and just hug and lean on me. I hope he found comfort in that.

It was really hard caring for him the last two months. I so badly wanted to give him all my attention, but had two kiddos to care for also. But in the end, I feel I served him well. I tried very hard to find balance in showing him how much I cared and was deeply saddened about the circumstances, but at the same time, not burdening him with this sadness and worry. I tried my best to be patient with him. A couple friends commented to me about my patience with him, and that provided great comfort to me. I'm thankful for that.

He really had to humble himself as his disease progressed so rapidly. It was hard to hear him admit the things he'd never be able to do again, like flying in an airplane or golfing. Oh how I wish he was on a golf trip right now! It was even harder hearing him talk about milestones he'd miss in our children's lives, the big one being walking Lily down the aisle on her wedding day. It was hard taking him to physical therapy that one time and seeing everybody else there knowing they would eventually recover from their injuries. Why couldn't he recover? Why couldn't his disease simply leave him handicap but still here on Earth. Why couldn't I wheel him around in a wheelchair the rest of his life.

At this point, this is when I give up control to God. I'm not meant to understand it all. And that's a relief! His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. (Rom 12:2)

Now let me change gears and reflect on the celebration of Christian's life.

God's hands were all over everything that had perfectly fallen into place for the viewing and service.

He gave me grace to get through Friday's viewing and Saturday's service.

Christian was the type of person who never had any regrets. I always leave an event or conversation wondering if I said the right thing or regretting something that I forgot to ask. That did not happen one time Friday or Saturday!

A balloon was found! Did you hear that, a balloon was found! At the burial site we set free some hundred balloons with a note attached to notify us via Facebook if one was found. I have a feeling we'll do something like this again. It was very uplifting!

The 3-hour wait in the line for the viewing, all the words said from the six speakers at the service, and the stories and comments made on Facebook (which I have yet to get through) are a testament to a life well lived by Christian and the impact he's had and is continuing to have on lives - some of which he never met! I'm proud that he has brought glory to God. Hearing about the impact he's had on lives helps give me more peace.

This leaves me to ask myself how am I personally impacted? What changes will I be making in my life?

First and foremost, I deeply desire to pray more for others. For obvious reasons, many of my prayers have been about my own family. I also want to serve others better and desire a servant's heart. Let's hope I follow through on this. Please ask me so I do!

I have deeply desired to build all of my relationships over the past few years. I have longed for closer friendships and relationships with my family. I've wondered if it's me holding back, maybe it's my lack of confidence in myself that has been a stumbling block. Much of this has changed in the course of two months. Never have I received so many hugs, so many "I love you's"...more important, I returned the hugs and the I love you's. That has been outside of my comfort zone previously, but not as much anymore.

Now, for the long and probably incomplete thank you list (and in no particular order)...
Thank you, God, for having your hands at work so that every single event Friday and Saturday honored you and my husband. Christian might not have liked all the fuss about him, but in the end, would've been very pleased.

Thank you, Adam, for stepping up and being a great project manager! Thank you for leaving me out of almost every detail and allowing me time to mourn, reflect, and simply be. Thank you for the words you specifically shared with my children during the service.

Thank you, Ryan R., Mike, and Jason for helping Adam see through all these details, many of which I still am not aware of.

Thank you to cousin Katherine for flying in from Charlotte, NC and playing a huge role in getting Christian comfortable his last two days!

Thank you to sisters Trinity and Brittany for taking the night shift two nights and letting me get some much-needed rest. I know for certain that you were huge comfort to him, and I gather the same holds true for you.

Thank you, Nana, for visiting him each night and rubbing his back. Not a night went by but he didn't ask if you were coming.

Thank you, Bob, for taking him to countless appointments and for just being there for him.

Thank you to the six brave men who spoke about Christian during the service in front of hundreds of people. I held on to every single word you said! Same goes to Jason in leading the service.

Thank you to my mom and dad for constantly being on call to help with any need, especially the kids. All it took was for me to dial their number, and dad would pick up and immediately answer, "I'll be there in five minutes."

Thank you to my sister, Angie, although all the way in NC, was a constant support and always dropped everything to listen. And thank you to her husband, Jordan, for picking up the family (which includes a 7 week-old and 2 year-old) and moving them in with his in-laws for the rest of the year to be here for us!

Thank you to everyone who attended the viewing and the service. I made an effort to scan the line several times, so if you had to leave early and didn't get the opportunity to see me, odds are that I likely saw you. And, I studied every name in the notebook. I can't convey how much that meant to see you there in person. And if you were unable to make it, I am so very grateful for the cards and messages received.

Thank you to the friends who brought meals, made coffee runs, and for the countless other offers so many made.

Thank you to my dear MOPS friends who helped in so many ways over the past three years, and more recently with meals, sending their husbands over to help with yard work and Christmas decoration, Sunday's lunch after the service, babysitting kids, and probably lots more I don't even know about!

Thank you to old but dear friends, Jenny and Rachelle, for being there for me. Thank you, Rebecca, especially for helping keep tabs on Luke!

Thank you to the four Bible Study Fellowship groups that Nancy, Trinity, Debbie, and myself are part of an for their continuous support and prayers!

Thank you to Aunt Gloria, Amy, Angie, and Brittany for shopping for me and presenting me with endless dress and shoe options for the weekend.

Thank you to our present and past small groups who volunteered in so many ways and will continue to be a presence in our lives.

Thank you to Christian's friends who've calmed any fear I've had that I'd lose touch with them.

Thank you to Christian's work colleagues who demonstrated such wonderful support during the past few years! He truly enjoyed his job and team of colleagues. Same goes for my former colleagues!

Thank you to Jon and others who armed me with research and to the "research team" of friends led by Jen who helped me begin to sift through alternative therapies with great eagerness. Thank you also to Joanna. 

Thank you to those who've boldly shared stories or simply words of encouragement on the Snyder Strong Facebook group.

Thank you to friends and family from far away who traveled to spend time with us. Thank you, Ryan B. and several others, for offering up your homes.

Thank you, Ryan R., for reaching out to some friends and encouraging visits.

Thank you to all the medical staff who oversaw Christian's health and for certain contributed in a big way to him remaining Snyder Strong!

Thank you to those who made a donation for my family, making the expenses from the viewing and service less of a burden. Thank you for care packages and thoughtful gifts received. We are grateful for your generosity!

I'm positive there are more to thank, but for now, I know you'll forgive me if I've forgotten to.

There were words said, gestures made, prayers offered, acts of kindness performed that I will never ever forget!

God is at work! Can I get an Amen!!!