HONOR

New year with new goals
 
Being a couple weeks into the new year, the goal-oriented side of me was begging, "Come on, Keri, decide on your resolutions and settle on your word for the year."

Resolutions and goals were easy, but settling on a word was a bit of a challenge. If you're not following me on what I'm referring to as the "word of the year", I'm not the only one who uses this approach to help focus on an overarching goal or theme for the year. Anyway, at first, "gratitude" seemed the obvious choice. I am abundantly blessed and have so much to be thankful for and so many people in my life to say thank you to. But the more I thought about it, choosing "gratitude" was not challenging enough. It would be taking the easy way out. I've been focused on thankfullness for the past several years as a way to cope with difficult circumstances.

So I reflected some more. I prayed. I talked with Christian. I thought about my goals and also some of the ideas I've had to stay Snyderstrong. Then it hit me.

HONOR

I want to HONOR CHRISTIAN in everything I do!

I want to honor his memory. I want talk about him lots throughout the day with the kids. I want to share stories with others about him. I want others to share stories. I don't want anyone to not mention his name because they think I might get sad or they might get sad. He will remain in our hearts and lives forever!

I want to honor him by managing our finances well. If you knew him well, he loved his spreadsheets! I've felt a new sense of empowerment taking everything over, or maybe it's my way of trying to cope. Regardless, he was a good provider and I will do my best to follow Dave Ramsey's approaches just as Christian would want.

I want to honor him by being generous and "paying it forward" in any way possible.

I want to honor him by working harder in my relationships with others, especially those who were close to him.

I want to honor him with lots of fun, laughter, and adventures. He wouldn't want it any other way.

I want to honor him by sharing our story with others. I sometimes hesitate and wonder if I'm too transparent, but I share what I think he would want me to, even if it helps just one person.

I want to honor him by taking pride in making our house a home, like he always did.

I want to honor him by raising our children with characteristics he demonstrated, like integrity. I want to raise Luke to be a True Gentleman like his father.

I want to honor him by also HONORING GOD. I want to pray more for others and help carry their burdens. I want to glorify Him in every decision I make, discussion I have, action I take. I want to check my intentions and make sure my heart is always in it.

So, when I wake up each morning, I'm going to picture a billboard with the word "HONOR" as I start each day.


How am I doing?

I'm honestly not sure how to answer that question. Going through something like this is a first time for me. The last two weeks in particular were hard for me. It was random things that would trigger great sadness. Like the dish towels I was folding realizing they were wedding gifts from 15 years ago. I've spent a lot of time indoors noticing things around the house more. And every item dates back to a period of time when Christian was in it. Then it turns into me dating them "pre" or "post-cancer". I do that with events that have taken place too, or photos I come across, desperately wishing I could go back in time to those moments. It really puts into perspective how quickly time passes by and how in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away from you.

Even silly things like discovering a new restaurant being built and thinking Christian will never see it. Or driving by one of our favorite restaurants wondering if I'll decide it's off limits because that's where Christian and I used to go. Or, asking for a table for three.

But then there are the more significant things that really hit hard. Like realizing Lily won't be taking Christian to the daddy-daughter dance. Knowing he won't be joining me on the sidelines watching the kids play sports and that he would have volunteered to coach in a heartbeat. Realizing he won't meet his grandkids. Noticing already that Luke has fewer memories he can retain of his father. And that's just a short list.

Aside from missing out on family, there are lost opportunities that make me sad. He loved to golf! I'm sad that my own dad lost a golfing partner and that Christian will no longer make up foresomes with his friends. It was so hard back in July when his best friend asked him to golf and Christian had to pass because he wasn't physically up to it.

Christian loved his job and was amazing at it! I was looking through the mail and came across a booklet of numerous training classes sent to him. He loved brushing up on any skill. He really enjoyed talking shop with his colleagues after he went on leave again, and it was hard coming to the realization that he'd likely never return to work.

I'm sad for some of the new friendships Christian was forming in our small group at church and elsewhere. It just makes me sad that someone didn't get to know him well. I'm proud he made attending church and small group such a priority. He was well on his way to becoming the spiritual leader of our household that I'd prayed for.

And his faith brings me great comfort! I was with him when he took his last breath on Earth, and I know for certain his next breath was in Heaven! He's in paradise right now! Not even a day has passed for him because he is in a place of comfort. When we are reunited one day, to him it'll be as if hardly any time has passed. But it hurts for me and his loved ones here on Earth.

So, it's hard. It's really hard. But, I will continue on and live each day to it's fullest because he'd want it no other way. I will "Keep Calm and Hope on" as Lily has written on the poster below.

How are the kids doing?

Many of you have asked how the kids are handling everything. My response is usually, "They are doing remarkably well." But, again, this is all new to me. I have no clue what to expect. But, I'm trying my best to find out and utilize all the resources available to me, including counseling.

Thank you for your continued prayers, love, and support!

Keri