Whether you have experienced loss yet, or not yet, I feel like everyone in the world needs a crash course on grief.
Schools
and even the workplace offers fire drills and tornado drills. There are
special initiatives for anti-bullying, embracing different cultures,
understanding disabilities, and even physical fitness....all which I
support wholeheartedly. But what resources are available to not only a
grieving person, but the general community to have a better
understanding of grief? I sure couldn't empathize until I walked through
it myself. I am positive there were times I said or did the wrong
thing, or simply avoided someone because I didn't know what to say or
do. I regret that.
My
hope is that what I share might be helpful to someone. Thank you for
allowing me to be quite frank. Sharing and writing is therapeutic for
me, and I seldom get the chance these days.
We
all will die someday and our close friends and family members will die
to. Bottom line. There is no escaping the inevitable. You can never be
fully prepared when you are hit with a major loss, even if it is a loved
one who has lived a long, full life. Even if it is someone who has been
battling an illness for years.
Here
are some things I have learned along my grief journey. Maybe this will
help you understand what to expect. Maybe it will help you walk along
side someone who is grieving.
1.
We all grieve uniquely. And, we should respect each person's grief
journey. Obviously, I am pretty open and find it helpful to share with
others. I am probably in the minority here. I like to talk about
Christian often and welcome any opportunity to share a story or listen
to one. It's not easy, and I can't promise no tears. Someone else may
not even be able to say their loved one's name. That is okay. Everyone
grieves differently.
2.
The grieving person calls the shots in terms of timing. They can grieve
when they want and for how long they want. You can't put a time limit
on it. Many losses will be grieved over the course of a lifetime. Avoid
saying things like, "move on", "get over it". I am very fortunate to not
have heard these things, but I know others who have.
3.
Grieving is a huge responsibility! This has been a big ah-ha
realization for me. I wondered why it was taking me twice as long to
accomplish a task. Why was I having a hard time concentrating? Why do I
feel stuck? There are times I feel consumed with the task of grieving.
There are some days when I feel like everything I do is as a result of
my husband's death. But it is my responsibility and privilege as a
parent to explore every resource available for my kids and be there for
them. So, for example, instead of perhaps reading a book for pleasure, I
will read a book on the subject of children and grief.
4.
We should avoid ranking grief. You may think one person's loss is
greater than another's. Loss is loss. We may not relate as much to what
the other person might be experiencing, but we share in common the pain
and void.
5.
There is a significant amount of guilt that accompanies grief. There
have been days where I am genuinely having a pretty good day and I am in
a good mood, then I pause to realize the good day I am having and start
to feel guilty. Also, sometimes I wonder am I being judged? Then there
is regret, which goes hand-in-hand with guilt. I try not to dwell on
that but learn from it.
6.
Grief occurs in waves. I may be having a great day, and when I least
expect it, something triggers a memory and a wave of emotion kicks in.
It could be a smell, a TV show we used to watch together, a favorite
restaurant, a photo, a silver Jeep Rubicon that passes me on the road, a
doctor's office, or music.
7.
Transitioning back to every day life can take some time. Church is
probably one of the hardest places to be without Christian, but at the
same time, the place where I find most peace and comfort. I dove back in
without hesitation, but that could be a very difficult step for someone
else. Same goes for the workplace.
8.
Ask for help and offer help. Don't be afraid to ask for help. In
situations where someone's spouse has died, there are large household
gaps to be filled. I am very fortunate for the help I receive from my
family, but that's not the case for many.
9.
Grief is not an identity. I am a child of God. I am a mother, daughter,
sister, aunt, friend, volunteer. I am a lover of nature, coffee, ice
cream, the ocean. Sure, technically, I am a widow. But that can fall at
the bottom of the list.
10.
Whether it is grief or other circumstances, we never know what someone
else may be going through. Just be kind and practice the golden rule!
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