To Fathers and Husbands

I'm finding out the hard way that it's true what they say about holidays and special occasions being the hardest to get through. I don't think it's the day itself as much as the days leading up to that day. There's so much pressure I place upon myself to honor Christian or celebrate him on the special occasions. Then there is the guilt that follows if I think I didn't do it right. Father's Day is coming up, and I'm not sure what we're going to do. I just know that Christian wouldn't want me to put so much pressure on myself. Instead, he'd want me to make each day count and to remember him every day. So I am going to try to put less emphasis on milestones and big moments and special occasions and live each day to its fullest. 

One thing I do feel compelled to share around Father's Day is an excerpt (and a rather long one) from a letter I wrote recently to a group of fathers. So I will follow my heart, be bold and share it. 


My husband, Christian, and I were married for 15 years. We spent half of our lives together. We graduated from the same class at Franklin Central, and dated in college (though our house was divided IU/PU)! We raised two children together. Lily is now 9 and Luke is 6. On October 31, 2012, Christian was diagnosed with stage four cancer. He was a fighter, and battled it for just over three years. We lost him on November 30, 2015.

He was an amazing husband, father, son, brother, friend, colleague, and much more! The vast majority of the time he battled cancer, our lives were pretty normal. One bible verse that has carried me through the difficult journey is "Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus,"1 Thessalonians 5:17. Yes, times were difficult, but things could've been a lot harder. We were fortunate to receive most of his treatments locally and only had to travel out-of-state on a few occasions. He was fortunate to seldom experience side effects. We even traveled on numerous vacations during those three years.

But it was his last few months when everything changed, and why I feel compelled to share. 

You see, you never know when your life can change in an instant. You're so busy in the day to day that we take much for granted. Nobody wants to prepare for the worst. It's uncomfortable broaching subjects like living wills and beneficiaries. But my guess is that, as men, you like to prepare and have a plan and provide for your family. My husband provided well for his family, and I would like to boldly ask that you consider some of these things.

First, let me get really real with you and share some things about the last week in Christian's life: This is really hard to share, but I will try:

Tuesday
Christian was told by his doctors that there was nothing else they could do. He was given 3 to 8 weeks.

I found his phone and noticed that he had sent many text messages to his friends with just these words... "3-8 weeks".

A hospital bed is delivered, and friends and family help me move the bed Christian and I slept in for 15 years down to the basement. This was very hard.

Thursday
We enjoyed what would be our last Thanksgiving together. It really ended up being Christian's last meal.

After watching Christian struggle with using his phone and even being able to type his password, I take it away from him. Thinking back, there were so many instances when I got on him about being on his phone instead of hanging out with his family.

Friday
His brother-in-law and I try to have difficult conversations with Christian. We tried desperately to get him to write a note to each child, and he struggled. He was able to write a few sentences of chicken scratch. I have a very hard time looking at it and wonder if I can ever bring myself to share these with the kids.

We start to discuss finances, and he wants to show us his master spreadsheet. He so badly wanted to make updates, and spent 10 minutes unsuccessfully renaming the file to the current date. It was so hard to watch him struggle.

I meet with someone at hospice to discuss getting more help from a nurse during the day.

Sunday
I successfully get Christian to record a voice message for each child since he is no longer able to hand write a note to them.

Elders from the church prayed over Christian. He was the most alert during this time.

He gave me many hugs that day. I think he started to feel peace with everything.

Lots of friends came to visit. Friends from a Bible study group helped winterize the house and put up Christmas decorations.

Monday
He is up one time in the morning to use the restroom and then sleeps all day long.

Family spent time together one last time with him.

About 10:30 PM, I felt a prompting to spend some time alone with him and asked the family to give me five minutes. About a minute after they all move down to the basement, I watched him take his last breath.

At first I was upset that I only had a couple minutes with him, but was so grateful that I hadn't gone to bed and missed that last moment with him. It was a privilege that he saved it just for me.

All of this took place in just six short days. 


I share these things with you because I want you to be prepared. I want you to have time to tell those you love that you love them. I want you to think about recording your legacy and what you want that to be for your children or your loved ones. You see, my mission his last few days was to record him simply telling the children, "I love you." That was a very very hard task to achieve, but I did it. But, I did not get much more than that. I also did not get much more than a scribbled sentence to each of the kids. Don't get me wrong, they know how much they were loved by him. He told them over and over and showed them in many ways. I just regret that we did not have something more documented. Instead, I made these last ditch efforts and took what I could get, and it wasn't much, but will be everything to the kids when I share these with them one day. A few weeks prior, I had mentioned writing letters to the kids. That was very difficult for him to think about. And when the time came, it wasn't possible for him.

At every single doctors appointment Christian had, a routine question that the nurse would ask was, "have you had any falls." Christian and I would roll our eyes at this question, almost insulted that they would ask like he was an old man. But sadly, in just a matter of weeks, his physical body was performing like that of an old man. That question became valid.

I am thankful that I captured lots of home movies and photos. But, I did find myself searching my iPhone praying that there was a voice message from him that I did not delete. There was not. But I still hold onto this very special text that he sent me. The kids and I know that we were very loved deeply, but any tangible evidence like a handwritten note or a verbal message of some sort is pretty meaningful.

And after that last breath he took on earth was his next breath in heaven. And I am greatly comforted knowing that there's no time in heaven and that when I am reunited with him it will feel to him like it was just yesterday that we were together. In other words, he's got it good while I will be missing him the rest of my life. But it will be a good life I intend to live to honor him and to honor God.

And that is why I write you today, to keep my promise to honor him.

I'm not saying we had the best marriage. We had our troubles. But what makes me most sad is the great potential we had. We were on the verge of a breakthrough. You see, when you face great trials and weakness, you find this newfound strength through God. "My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9." It's true.

He was a very committed father. He was a hands-on father. He never missed a moment with the kids, never a milestone. He wanted to be there for it all.

It was hard feeling like a single parent the last year of his life, and obviously now. He would've been a great coach. He would have been a great number of things. Anything he would have achieved he would have achieved it with greatness.

Christian was finally becoming the spiritual leader in the household that I had been praying for. It took a long time to get there, but we were there. For the first five years, I attended church by myself most of the time. The next five years, he would join me on occasion. Once we had kids, we both made it a priority. It was a great feeling and proud moment when I saw him eager to leave for church! I was also so proud to see him make a priority for our family to join a small group and attend regularly. He humbled himself by being prayed over multiple times. His demonstration of faith will continue to have a deep impact on me, our children, family, friends and all the lives he touched.

There is a bible passage that I would like to share. Jesus is talking about his death in John 12 and says, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be gloried. Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. Anyone who loves their life in this world will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”

I believe Christian’s life was fruitful and produced many seeds. God created Christian for a purpose and Christian accepted God’s will for him and his life, cancer and all. He remained faithful through it all. God created each of us for a purpose. Friends constantly tell me how strong I am, and I can only attribute it to my husband’s example of faith and God’s grace.

Throughout life, certain events help us to put things into perspective. For months after Christian had passed, I would hear from so many about how their lives were touched and impacted. However, that is beginning to fade. It always does, and that is okay. We get back into the daily grind and sometimes need a gentle nudge to put things back into perspective.

I guess I wouldn't consider this a gentle but more of a bold nudge. Regardless, it's my attempt to help myself and others keep things into perspective.

I will be praying for you. I will be praying for your wives.

I pray that you thank God each day for the new day that you have been given, the children that you have the privilege of raising, and the wife that is really trying her best in this thing called life. Thank you for letting me share with you.

In Him,
Keri Snyder