Stable is good

Things are stable. I should be shouting for joy. Yet, still I dream bigger. I pray boldly for more than stability. I pray that all of Christian's tumors will be wiped clean from his body. I dream of the day when after a doctor's visit we leave the office jumping up-and-down and crying tears of joy! I can only hope that day will come for us.

But after more reflection, I find myself full of joy!

No matter the circumstance, I am thankful.

I am reminded not to forget the miracles in front of me. I am reminded that it is a miracle that Christian is here at all. Right now. I remember when he was first diagnosed that the odds were that he had a different type of cancer. A type of cancer that meant less than six months of life. And I remember his doctor saying how close his initial 8 pound tumor was to his aorta, and that it was a miracle it was caught in time.

In a book I am reading, The Grave Robber (Mark Batterson), the author says that joy is not getting what you want. It's fully appreciating what you have. Boy do I appreciate what I have and who I choose to do life with! I only regret that it took this situation to teach me about what true joy means.

It's so cool how everything fits into God's perfect plan. We go nowhere by accident. We are exactly where God wants us to be, even if that's not where we want to be.

The book I mentioned talks about supernatural synchronicities. I also call these "God winks". You know, when you are in the right place just at the right time. Or, maybe you avoided the wrong place at the right time (like a terrible traffic accident). These are no coincidences, my friend. This is God at work!

One of these days I will attempt to connect all of the "God winks" in my own life and all of the divine appointments He has set up along the way. I won't ever be able to make sense of it all, but what a relief that is! I'm not meant to lean on my own understanding (proverbs 3:5-6). Thank you, Jesus, for taking on that burden for me and giving me a new life through you! Speaking of, Christian and I are getting baptized this Sunday! It has been something we've talked about doing for a long time, so we are finally making it happen! That is something to pray about and give praise to.

Joy aside, it is still a very difficult battle for both of us. Last week Christian had five days of chemo in a row. It is so hard to see the toll this takes on him mentally and physically. Physically speaking, he is doing remarkable! He works full-time, comes home and has a good appetite for dinner, and gets a pretty good night's rest. But there were a couple days last week when he was pretty down, and that is really tough.

And of course it is hard on me, mostly because I feel like a roller coaster of emotions sometimes. It is hard after we've had a really good day as a family, because we may have forgotten about the cancer for a short while only to he reminded of it again. It is sometimes even hard when Christian tells me "thank you" in such a sincere way for something I have done, whether it is making dinner or taking out the trash. Not that he didn't say thank you before, but there is just something different about the way he says it now.

Also, I don't want to be that person that others want to avoid because they don't know what to say or they don't want to be brought down by my emotions (even though I am pretty darn happy 95% of the time). And I don't blame them, and I am probably guilty of the same thing too. But I will continue to try to be real and transparent. If only I was a pretty crier! I am so grateful for my MOPS moms, because they seem to bring out the raw emotion, but at the same time, truly accept me hot mess and all!

And it's hard when so many other cancer patients are in remission within a few treatments, which sometimes seems like the impossible for Christian. But with our God, all things are possible! It is hard for me to admit that I am for the most part at peace with things. This makes me feel guilty. Lily and I were praying, and as her eyes teared up, I reminded her that we will get through this together. No matter what happens, we will get through this. God will get us through this. There is a Bible verse that speaks to this and I will have to get my hands on later, but it is to the effect of God will only give us what he knows we can handle.

The kids still pray every night to "make daddy better and please make the medicine work." Although, Luke added his own random insight last night...he reminded me that he was thankful that God made bones so that our body would not be squishy. That boy has a way with words!

Thanks for the continued prayers and support!
Keri